To hear the audio version with additional content, listen here: https://www.inconnectionwithnature.com/permission-to-be-your-full-self-podcast/2024/10/26/episode-5-from-resistance-to-resilience-thriving-beyond-self-judgment-or-the-judgements-of-others
Do you ever feel shame, anger or discomfort based on the words or actions of others?
Criticism, negative feedback, feeling we are being made fun of or even merely not being liked by someone can feel like arrows aimed directly at our hearts. When we take things personally, we often feel attacked and diminish ourselves. It’s as if you release your own personal fears and judgements to run free in your mind.
However, the key to feeling more peace, joy and happiness lies in developing a bulletproof mindset that allows you to rise above personalization.
It's what Peter Sage defines as swimming in GOOP or the Good Opinion of Other People. When we allow others comments to define our truth, our greatness, or even our in the moment emotions, we are giving them power that does not belong to them.
This can take many forms. Here are just a few:
FEAR OF EMBARRASSMENT:
We can all relate to the feeling of being embarrassed. But the impact of that embarrassment on us, can be quite varied.
Years ago my girlfriend and live together partner used to enjoy hiding in our home and trying to scare me. Whenever she was successful, I allowed it to sour my mood because in my head I equated falling for her joke as a personal failure. Conscious and unconscious stories of “I should not be so easily startled.” or “I must look ridiculous.” and so many more uncomfortable thoughts entered my head.
So, I often became upset because after all, anger is the emotion of self preservation and in this case getting upset with her was a way of my psyche fighting back against my perceived attacker even though I knew this was someone who loved me.
Another option I chose was to put a great deal of energy into hiding my discomfort because my internal “less than” stories and fears did not want anyone to have the proof that I was as inadequate as I felt. I certainly didn’t want someone who mattered a great deal to me thinking that. Even though the reality is she was just trying to be playful and not thinking less of me at all.
Years later, seeing videos on YouTube of people playing practical jokes on their friends and coworkers, so many responded in a similar manner to me because of their own insecurities and versions of not enough stories. But there was one type of response that really shocked me. Some people after their initial surprise or embarrassment actually found it funny and laughed along with the joke. WHAT, how the hell is that possible!?! I did not get it.
I was surprised because in my mind, I did not even know such a response was on the list of possibilities. But seeing people actually having a good time and enjoying the humor and not taking it as a personal attack was a revelation to me. It gave me a new possibility for a new and more empowered experience. Rather than seeing it as a source of disconnection and proof that I’m not enough, what if instead, I could see playful teasing and embarrassment as an experience where I felt a sense of inclusion, camaraderie and joy.
Maybe even love that someone felt comfort enough to be with me in that way. That was certainly what I was seeing on some of those youtube videos and it was honestly mind blowing. And it offered insight into a much more empowering and nurturing experience rather than the experience of exclusion, anger and frustration that I had been creating for myself by my previous ingrained reaction. Realizing, if I don't make myself small, others will not. Learning I could even enjoy the experience was revelatory.
Certainly there are times when someone’s behavior does not work for you and you may want to set a boundary, but even that can be done from a place of empowerment and strength rather than self deprecation and victimhood as used to be the case for me. From a place of sharing feedback about what feels good to you versus being defensive because a part of you feels attacked.
Now what about:
RECEIVING "NEGATIVE" FEEDBACK:
It can be uncomfortable to receive feedback, especially if that is not what we hoped or expected to hear. But it does not have to be a traumatic experience. Taking things personally often stems from a deep-rooted emotional response based on our personal history.
Simply noticing and acknowledging this fact is the first step to freedom. Recognize that external opinions don't define your worth or capabilities. Instead, we have the opportunity to view criticism as an opportunity for growth and self-improvement.
We can take in what feels valuable and leave the rest. In some cases that is enough. Other times just like in the example above, sometimes it might be valuable whether in that moment or another time to let someone know the best way to share feedback so you can most easily receive it.
Another personal experience of mine was at a weeklong retreat on love and connection I attended 10 years ago. A woman shared with me in an exercise, a noticing of hers. She shared “Gregg, I notice every time we talk, I ask you lots about you and you don’t ask me anything about me.”
It was super uncomfortable to hear that because I’ve always deeply cared about others and the thought that I was not offering someone the opportunity to share themselves, or worse that I might be seen as self centered or uncaring was painful. At the same time it was really great and valuable information.
I thought about what she shared nearly every day for years, with the desire to be better. What I realized was, given my history of what I phrase as pathological shyness, in spite of caring about others and their experience, when I was in front of them, there was a loud voice in my head going, “Am I ok? Am I ok? Do they like me? Am I doing it right? Am I ok? Am I ok?
Those thoughts were so loud both consciously and unconsciously that it did not allow me to connect in the ways I most deeply desired. Receiving that feedback I could have gotten angry and retorted or I could have retreated in on myself, making myself small and using it as proof of my doing it wrong and simply beat myself up.
Honestly there likely was some self recrimination and at the same time I used that feedback as the catalyst to support me in something I deeply wanted.
I’m so thankful I chose to take in that feedback despite my initial discomfort because these days I’m acknowledged by both friends and clients for the great questions I ask, for the ways I listen and how I make them feel seen, heard, safe and cared for.
I no longer have to ask myself if I’m doing ok because through lots of inner and outer work I’ve developed a trust that I am. I’ve developed the tools to check in, if and when miscommunications happen. And I’ve developed the relationships that I can turn to for support if the sting of some feedback I recieved is momentarily too much to handle on my own.
SHIFTING PERSPECTIVES:
To build a bulletproof mindset it’s helpful to reframe your perspective. Notice the intent with which the feedback was offered. Was it with the desire cause you pain or discredit you? If so, understand that kind of criticism says more about the person delivering it than it does about you.
Often your natural defenses may show up even when the intent was to be informative and supportive regardless of how the message was delivered. However, when you can embrace a growth mindset, you begin to see these otherwise painful experiences as chances to learn and improve.
You can ask yourself, what new insights can I learn here. Or perhaps you decide the critique however well intentioned does not resonate for you. Either way, when you see this as simply, information and even a desire to be supportive, you are choosing not to make yourself wrong. This shift will empower you to approach situations with resilience and curiosity rather than defensiveness.
SELF COMPASSION
When you find yourself taking things personally, be compassionate with yourself. Extend the same kindness to yourself that you would offer a friend. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and experiences setbacks. Self-compassion allows you to view yourself through a lens of understanding and forgiveness, making it easier to detach from personalizing external opinions or from further “attacking” or wronging yourself.
I’ve created a video meditation on self compassion that you can find at the link below.
Rather than taking criticism as a personal attack, we have the option to treat it as valuable feedback. Assess the constructive elements within it and use them as stepping stones for improvement. Everything else you can leave behind. And if there are ways you most prefer to receive feedback, you can let the other person know. This proactive approach not only defuses personalization but also propels you toward continuous growth.
Developing a bulletproof mindset is a transformative journey that requires self-awareness, resilience, and a commitment to personal growth. It takes time to develop, so celebrate each small success along the way. By understanding the personalization trap, shifting perspectives, cultivating self-compassion, setting healthy boundaries, and embracing feedback, you can stop taking things personally and embark on a path to thriving in every aspect of your life. Remember, the power to create a resilient mindset lies within you.
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