Do you have, "Permission To Fuck It Up"?
It can be scary to try new things, to put yourself out there in a way you have not done before. We may ask ourselves questions like, “What if I don’t succeed?” or “What if other people don’t approve of or like what I did?” or “What if I make a mistake?”
We may tell ourselves things like, “It’s too hard.” “I don’t know how” or even “It does not really matter anyway.” or “Nobody cares, so why bother.” We may worry about being embarrassed or disliked. Certainly these are some of the things that come up for me.
Where do you see yourself in those thoughts and fears? In what ways have those thoughts limited you?
Whether you share similar fears or the things that keep you from taking action have a different flavor, we often find ourselves stuck in a quicksand that Peter Sage calls “GOOP” or The “Good Opinions of Other People”.
Several years ago before I lead my first online workshop, I was filled with anxiety about whether it would go “right”. Over the years fearing whether or not I was going to do something “right” or fear of how others would perceive me, kept me from doing so many things I desired. Maybe it was going up to talk to someone I was interested in, maybe it was starting my coaching practice, learning a new skill like dancing or yes, even leading an online workshop.
I remember when i was in Paramedic school, I made a decision, whenever the instructor asks for a volunteer to try something during our labs, I’m going to be the first to raise my hand. Even if I have no clue what they are asking for and even if I look stupid because of that. My reasoning was, giving myself permission to look stupid in front of others also meant I was giving myself permission to learn and grow and to figure it out.
It definitely worked because while sometimes, I did have no clue what I was doing, I learned each time I made an attempt. In fact, eventually as I worked in Emergency Rooms across the country I became well know for being amongst the best at my technical skills.
I’ve not always given myself that same permission in every other area of my life, though it is definitely something I strive for more and more. It’s clear in the areas I give myself permission to not be perfect, I grow, I learn and in fact, I often excel. Even if it is sometimes a bumpy ride to get to that place of excellence.
However in the places where I’m not giving myself permission to be imperfect, the outcome is very different. Not only do I stay stuck in the same place but often the belief that I’m not capable can grow in intensity. That is because I’ve attached that feeling of fear to whatever it is and then chosen to not act based on the fear, thus reinforcing and strengthening the fear.
Then it just because a vicious cycle of feel the fear, don’t do something, let that fear create my reality and then it becomes even harder the next time. However when I act in spite of the fear over time that gives me the felt sense that the fear does not have to create my world and in fact the fear loses its power to control my actions.
That’s why when leading my first online workshop it was important to give myself “permission to fuck it up.” Those words were the specific words that were in my head. And it felt important at that time to use those words. For me when I was starting with so much paralyzing fear, it was important to give myself as much freedom from that fear as I could.
Because for me, while of course I wanted the workshop to go well, of course I wanted people to like it and of course I wanted people to find value in it, my actual marker of success that I chose for myself was simply to show up and try. Knowing that whatever happened I would learn and grow and be stronger, more capable and more ready the next time.
These days my level of anxiety is usually (though not always) to a lesser degree when trying something new. So instead of saying, “permission to fuck it up” I often say, give myself permission to play and to be experimental. Because I’ve learned when i can be playful, when I can try new things, I come with a degree of lightness that allows me to flow.
I still make mistakes. Things don’t always work the way I hoped. And that’s more than ok. Because taking that step leads me to my own internal growth and my own increased comfort. Which in turn allows me to share my gifts with the world.
It reminds me of a quote I find great value in. I don’t know the author but the quote is “The quality of our lives is in direct proportion to the level of uncertainty or discomfort that we can comfortably live with.”
How do you want to increase the quality of your life? What’s something you can give yourself permission to do in service of that vision?
Whatever words you use choose, whether that is ‘permission to fuck it up”, “permission to play” or anything else, I invite you to allow yourself permission to take action.
A big part of doing so involves the ability to release self judgment and to be more compassionate with yourself. And in fact my next workshop will be on the practice of self compassion and how we cultivate that in our lives.
The Self Compassion workshop will be in mid May so stay tuned for more details. If you don’t want to wait until May to get support, then reach out and let’s have a conversation.