Have you ever made a commitment to yourself and then come up with a rational excuse to not follow it “this” time. Maybe it’s, I’m not going to eat that second or third slice of pizza. Maybe it’s I’m going to get to bed by 10 o clock tonight. Or I’m going to have that hard conversation with my boss, spouse, child, etc. And then you find a reason not to do it. But it’s a really good reason! I imagine that’s never happened to you. Congratulations! That’s amazing!
I on the other hand have been noticing my own rationalizations of late and am choosing to be more mindful of them. Here are a few tips in case you find yourself reaching for the comfort we get from having a “good” reason to ignore our own boundaries.
Of course sometimes there is actually a valid reason but so often we convince ourselves that the reason is valid. In fact we actively search for a reason so we don’t have to do the “hard” thing of honoring the boundaries we set for ourselves.
Rationalizations are the mental gymnastics we perform to justify actions that contradict our values or commitments. They're the excuses, the justifications, and the self-deceptions that allow us to sidestep our own boundaries. While they may provide temporary relief from discomfort or guilt, the long-term consequences can be detrimental to our integrity self-trust, and sense of accomplishment.
This process of creating a reason for breaking your own word doesn’t feel like a blatant disregard for your goals. Instead, it masquerades as being flexible, practical, or even responsible. However, each time you rationalize a breach of your boundaries, you chip away at the very reasons you set them in the first place.
Every time you set a boundary and break it, you erode the foundation of self-trust. Your brain quickly learns that the promises you make to yourself are negotiable. The more this pattern repeats, the less credibility your own word holds. You start doubting your ability to stay committed, and soon, other boundaries you’ve set—whether it's around relationships, habits, or self-care—begin to feel more fluid.
To combat rationalization, it’s important to recognize it for what it is: a defense mechanism. The first step is to increase your self-awareness. When you catch yourself about to rationalize, pause and reflect. Ask yourself whether breaking the boundary serves your long-term well-being, or if it's simply a way of avoiding discomfort in the moment.
One tool I’ve been using is based on a guide from the book Indestractible by Nir Eyal. It involves using a tracker. So every time you want to break your own rule, you make a note about why and what emotions or factors prompted the desire to not honor your own word.
This not only gives you more awareness of the patterns which can help install new, more empowering habits, but if you do it in the moment, also creates a pause giving you time to be more mindful and decide if you really want to follow the path of least resistance.
Accountability is also key. Share your boundaries with someone who can help you stay on track, whether that’s a friend, family member, or coach. Having an external reminder of why you set these boundaries can provide an extra layer of reinforcement when you feel tempted to rationalize.
Lastly, practice self-compassion. Understand that rationalizations are natural, but they don’t have to define your actions. The urge to rationalize may be strong. With time, patience, and intentionality, you can build trust in yourself and align your actions with the boundaries you’ve set.
Rationalizations may seem like harmless mental shortcuts, but they come with significant long-term costs. By breaking our own word and undermining our boundaries, we damage self-trust and hinder personal growth. The good news is that by cultivating awareness and staying accountable, we can overcome the urge to rationalize and stay true to the commitments we’ve made to ourselves.
Remember, the path to personal growth is rarely linear. There will be setbacks, but by recognizing the true cost of our rationalizations, we can make more conscious choices that align with our values and aspirations. The next time you're tempted to rationalize breaking a personal boundary, pause and consider the long-term impact. Your future self will thank you for staying true to your word.
"When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable (including ourselves), we feel used and mistreated." ~ Brené Brown
"You best teach others about healthy boundaries by enforcing yours." ~ Bryant McGill